I have this feeling of being left out… of being abandoned and stuck in a pedestal. This is not my place, I used to be in wilderness and do what I want to do, at the same time get what I want and never beg for it, but now, standing here in a shapeless desert I felt like a sand that when the wind blows I would go with it. No direction. No space of authority to do good and think for my own… In the past few days of being here, I just remembered the past, somewhere I saw my refuge, at least there I saw myself whole. Not like now, that even in the center of this desert, the rain inside my heart never stop, it keeps on pouring and begging for clemency to stop for a while.
What I want to do by now is to hope, not to change the past but to look for something better for myself and for everybody… that one bad wolf cant ruin the goodness inside me and a bitch and gold digger fox cant even steal the knowledge and kindness I already owned. I don’t consider them as an adversary but a good fate that I am so grateful to welcome over and over again inside my circle.
Maybe I’m just me, I’m just a typical provincial girl, a typical woman, a commoner. I don’t have those attitude and character they said they have, I don’t have the loveliness they get proud of, but I’m better than them.

Recognized

It was like a year ago since I put my thoughts in words in this blog, and now, I was doing the same thing.


One year ago I was fallen and was attached to a vampire, a very bold and unusual vampire, he was valuable and precious in my eyes that very moment I fall in love with him, I have love him because of his honesty and pride, because of his dedication and transparency, I love him because he is so good to me, that even, I keep on hurting him in a million reasons, he always give me the thought of courage and truth., many times I have tried to discourage and put him in pedestal, but his love is willing to sacrifice, a vampire that is not good In nature but has a plain and clear heart.

Many of my friends are not good in him, though all his hard work and sacrifices are mostly rendered to me, to be good in my eyes and to be good in them… he is quite bitter because he’s thinking that I never saw those, but he’s wrong, I almost lowered my pride because of those sacrifices. I’ve seen it all. But unfortunately no matter what he tried to change his fate, he is still a vampire, a blood sucker human like creature. His past will always hunt him…us.

After one year and four months he decided to end the tie, to cut the chain…to go away… though its so hard for me, I must, and I should… and now I am trying to make up with myself, to still hope for that lost first and last love… because I know, I would never find any love like that… I must go on… and never look back… I decided to let go and never bring it back again…I don’t want him back because we have hurt each other so much, and he cant have me back again… I was just hoping that someday I will find myself smiling and laughing the same before he left me…

i love him because i hate him...

i cant barely describe what i really felt right now, but one thing is for sure...im in love with him, my soul speak so loudly and banging for his presence beside me. he serves as the third man in my life, first was my Father, second was my biological father. i love him for the man he wants to become, although sometimes he thinks he's not really meant for me.

i cant join my pulses to bump but i can surely go with the flow with his love.

the rain inside my heart vanished since the day he came.

torn

As the darkness entered this room, I feel so cold and torn, I can’t hold my breath and I don’t want to release my tears, but, seems like there drops of rain rushing to flow inside my heart down to my soul. It was all started last night, partly midnight…I’ve decided to end the relationship with the one I love…although the feelings still burning inside me, keeping me alive and still giving me the reason to love him. I don’t know why, I know that in my part there were no legal reason to end it, and in his part also, I still decided to end it. I know the culpability is mine, and I take the responsibility to suffer. It hurts me a lot, much to him…but I know deep inside my heart that if time and fate still choose us to be part of each lives someday, they will surely make a move to take the Venus to mars. At this very moment of time, im hurt but I know someday, sometime, maybe these things will lead us to a better one.

patch

Moody and gloomy
Is what he always defines me.
I wonder how far he knows all about my story
Coz in every word I say, smiling is what he pay.

Rugged and funny
Yet, romantic in his own way.
Bliss is what I felt every time were together,
Truly I found myself in him till it meets forever.

Smart and unsoiled
Is what he always thinks of me,
No wonder he cant read and comprehend my mind
What he choose to see is purely blind.

Psychotic – neurotic
Coz he’s mind always play
But deep within his self, I found some serenity
Foolishness this sound maybe,
but he’s everything I pray.

fine but naïve
ghastly and chaotic
attitudes don’t go in same way
but that makes us happy and gay.

my insecurity

In this lonely and dim room
I found myself recalling the past,
Chilling in a space and doom
That even time don’t know when it would last

Dominated by lots of fears
Lingering in many reasons.
Tasting my own cast of tears,
Of that memoires of insecurities

Choices lay in front of me
But I don’t really know which way,
I knelt down and pray,
Because no air can blow this pain away

My mind tells me to stop,
My body wants to flap!
The sound of silence keeps on beating
And in cold white blocks I’m burning.

A moment passed and I’m fainting
In a kismet of light I’m fading
He killed me,
My insecurity.

it's safe not to tell

This past few days, I’ve done so many crazy things that I cannot imagine I could have done it. I was too down coz I’m in search of my missing self and soul. yearning inside my heart for affirmation. I was so addictive, a happiness finder (I always reminding myself not to search my own happiness, it was a desire, I don’t deserve it!) and at a moment I found an escape, an escape I never thought I could do it even in my wildest dreams. It started on new years eve, everyone was so busy having a great time with the people they loved most, greetings, hugs, kisses are all around them (including me), but in a bit of a second when all the fireworks and sounds of happiness gone, I found myself doing so crazy things I never thought I could (I don’t want to mention what it is..Hehehe (it’s not your secret to share)), but in my part, no regrets, I’ve done it and I know I’m the one who is accountable in my own actions. I did an irrevocable mistake but I have gained a great lesson afterwards, I do these crazy stuffs, illogical and unreasonable things. I did it for myself and not for others, and I don’t care if others may know all about it, besides who can tell my own story better than me, I am the one who knows the whole story of my life, no one could just simply write a book and publish their own bible if they don’t know what are the foundation of making it. I just hope that what I did will be my failure in forward way.