I have this feeling of being left out… of being abandoned and stuck in a pedestal. This is not my place, I used to be in wilderness and do what I want to do, at the same time get what I want and never beg for it, but now, standing here in a shapeless desert I felt like a sand that when the wind blows I would go with it. No direction. No space of authority to do good and think for my own… In the past few days of being here, I just remembered the past, somewhere I saw my refuge, at least there I saw myself whole. Not like now, that even in the center of this desert, the rain inside my heart never stop, it keeps on pouring and begging for clemency to stop for a while.
What I want to do by now is to hope, not to change the past but to look for something better for myself and for everybody… that one bad wolf cant ruin the goodness inside me and a bitch and gold digger fox cant even steal the knowledge and kindness I already owned. I don’t consider them as an adversary but a good fate that I am so grateful to welcome over and over again inside my circle.
Maybe I’m just me, I’m just a typical provincial girl, a typical woman, a commoner. I don’t have those attitude and character they said they have, I don’t have the loveliness they get proud of, but I’m better than them.

Recognized

It was like a year ago since I put my thoughts in words in this blog, and now, I was doing the same thing.


One year ago I was fallen and was attached to a vampire, a very bold and unusual vampire, he was valuable and precious in my eyes that very moment I fall in love with him, I have love him because of his honesty and pride, because of his dedication and transparency, I love him because he is so good to me, that even, I keep on hurting him in a million reasons, he always give me the thought of courage and truth., many times I have tried to discourage and put him in pedestal, but his love is willing to sacrifice, a vampire that is not good In nature but has a plain and clear heart.

Many of my friends are not good in him, though all his hard work and sacrifices are mostly rendered to me, to be good in my eyes and to be good in them… he is quite bitter because he’s thinking that I never saw those, but he’s wrong, I almost lowered my pride because of those sacrifices. I’ve seen it all. But unfortunately no matter what he tried to change his fate, he is still a vampire, a blood sucker human like creature. His past will always hunt him…us.

After one year and four months he decided to end the tie, to cut the chain…to go away… though its so hard for me, I must, and I should… and now I am trying to make up with myself, to still hope for that lost first and last love… because I know, I would never find any love like that… I must go on… and never look back… I decided to let go and never bring it back again…I don’t want him back because we have hurt each other so much, and he cant have me back again… I was just hoping that someday I will find myself smiling and laughing the same before he left me…