torn

As the darkness entered this room, I feel so cold and torn, I can’t hold my breath and I don’t want to release my tears, but, seems like there drops of rain rushing to flow inside my heart down to my soul. It was all started last night, partly midnight…I’ve decided to end the relationship with the one I love…although the feelings still burning inside me, keeping me alive and still giving me the reason to love him. I don’t know why, I know that in my part there were no legal reason to end it, and in his part also, I still decided to end it. I know the culpability is mine, and I take the responsibility to suffer. It hurts me a lot, much to him…but I know deep inside my heart that if time and fate still choose us to be part of each lives someday, they will surely make a move to take the Venus to mars. At this very moment of time, im hurt but I know someday, sometime, maybe these things will lead us to a better one.

patch

Moody and gloomy
Is what he always defines me.
I wonder how far he knows all about my story
Coz in every word I say, smiling is what he pay.

Rugged and funny
Yet, romantic in his own way.
Bliss is what I felt every time were together,
Truly I found myself in him till it meets forever.

Smart and unsoiled
Is what he always thinks of me,
No wonder he cant read and comprehend my mind
What he choose to see is purely blind.

Psychotic – neurotic
Coz he’s mind always play
But deep within his self, I found some serenity
Foolishness this sound maybe,
but he’s everything I pray.

fine but naïve
ghastly and chaotic
attitudes don’t go in same way
but that makes us happy and gay.

my insecurity

In this lonely and dim room
I found myself recalling the past,
Chilling in a space and doom
That even time don’t know when it would last

Dominated by lots of fears
Lingering in many reasons.
Tasting my own cast of tears,
Of that memoires of insecurities

Choices lay in front of me
But I don’t really know which way,
I knelt down and pray,
Because no air can blow this pain away

My mind tells me to stop,
My body wants to flap!
The sound of silence keeps on beating
And in cold white blocks I’m burning.

A moment passed and I’m fainting
In a kismet of light I’m fading
He killed me,
My insecurity.

it's safe not to tell

This past few days, I’ve done so many crazy things that I cannot imagine I could have done it. I was too down coz I’m in search of my missing self and soul. yearning inside my heart for affirmation. I was so addictive, a happiness finder (I always reminding myself not to search my own happiness, it was a desire, I don’t deserve it!) and at a moment I found an escape, an escape I never thought I could do it even in my wildest dreams. It started on new years eve, everyone was so busy having a great time with the people they loved most, greetings, hugs, kisses are all around them (including me), but in a bit of a second when all the fireworks and sounds of happiness gone, I found myself doing so crazy things I never thought I could (I don’t want to mention what it is..Hehehe (it’s not your secret to share)), but in my part, no regrets, I’ve done it and I know I’m the one who is accountable in my own actions. I did an irrevocable mistake but I have gained a great lesson afterwards, I do these crazy stuffs, illogical and unreasonable things. I did it for myself and not for others, and I don’t care if others may know all about it, besides who can tell my own story better than me, I am the one who knows the whole story of my life, no one could just simply write a book and publish their own bible if they don’t know what are the foundation of making it. I just hope that what I did will be my failure in forward way.

a friend or foe?

when i im sad,
he was with me...
is He a friend or a foe?

when im so happy
he was with me...
is He a friend or a foe?

when im confused
he was with me...
is He a friend or a foe?

when i feel so bless
he was with me...
is He a friend or a foe?

when i hate myself
he was with me...
is He a friend or a foe?

when i love being me
he was with me...
is He a friend or a foe?

when i feel so sick
he was with me...
is He a friend or a foe?

when i feel so strong
he was with me...
is He a friend or a foe?

when im down on my knees
he was with me...
is He a friend or a foe?

when i rise
he was with me...
is he a friend or a foe?

when everything is talking back
he was with me...
is He a friend or a foe?

when im in bliss
he was with me...
is he a friend or a foe?

when all things fall apart
he was with me...
is He a friend or a foe?

is He a friend or a foe...

i dont know...
all i know is the fact that...


He was with me...

i hate them!

I feel so insecure, feel so used, and feel so taken for granted (it is because i am). I wish I could go back and stole just a second to erase that moment, that moment where all these hurts started. Where all the hatred and selfishness ruled.
Bad words that had never spoken and doubt embracing my heart.
But unfortunately,
it can’t be.
I just wanted to delete all the insecurities.
I hate her; I hate her for being so flirt, for being so insensitive, I hate her for being so dumb! I hate everything about her...
and I hate him for being so safe, for being so immature, for being so ****** , I hate him for being so good to her, I hate him for being so great to her, I hate him for being so childish, I hate him for being so rude to me, I hate him for every reason because of her

(forgive me my Lord)

I hate that moment; it keeps on hunting me almost every second of my life.

I can feel the scar flecked not just in my mind and heart but in my soul, I don’t know how to find myself and renew the broken faith and trust for in my own opinion it leaves a deepest mark and no one can change whatever I felt right now.

God only knows how I’ve tried to ignore this one, but for now, for now, I think I can’t find the answer.

I hope someday it will serve as a tool to strengthen my faith…

This one is for me

Living in the world of reality means you have to deal with real things,
with life. In the past 18 years of my life there are lots of things to consider as the best thing that happened. I have so many accomplishments that everyone around me shared me with joy. Visions are plainly and superbly laid in front of me, goals are ready to be hit anytime I want, that’s because I have everything and I believe I deserve all those things. Later, I mean this past few months I’ve come to realize that the world is not for me but for those people who work out for it, that I am in a world of reality, in this past few months I have met someone whom I should consider part of my third door (I have known him for years but were not that closed), he’s so caring, sweet, nice, kind (in some ways) and wise. But the thing is he is also deviant (well everyone is deviant by there nature), picky and observant. He can easily get across with the idea; he can put his thoughts in words and can think as seven times if he wants to. But the thing is I like him the most and I can’t really understand why of all those people who want to be with my world, it’s him who unlocked the gate. I hate him for some reasons, but I love him for more than any reason. some of my friends don't like him, some don't even appreciate what he's doing, well i think that's because he's so hooked in his past and they don't want me to trap in that kind of relationship (i appreciate their concern sooo much..) that's why When he came into my life, I just can’t figure out why “him” of all those person and God forgive me, I think I deserve him and I think this one is for me.